thursday
So my darling old catty chose a fine time for her kidneys to fail. That’s not entirely sarcastic: I was dreading making final decisions for her, and now Jeremy will do it for me. He brought her home and is giving her fluids and she’s feeling better and will have a peaceful death surrounded by love. Still, yesterday was not easy, and when I said goodnight to mum and she hugged me I was shaking.
“Shh, shh,” she said, stroking my hair.
“Oh no, don’t comfort me or I will start to cry, and if I do I’ll never stop.”
“Yes you will,” she said serenely, and rubbed my back.
In one way yesterday was magnificent. She has had the pump installed – it’s called a syringe driver – and now she is on a continuous dose of morphine. For the first time since she got sick, last May, Mum has zero pain.
Before Big left he said: “What’s humbling is, she isn’t just content. She’s happy.”
